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This is me, my head and my life. Deal with it.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bitches man...(prepare for a rant)

Oh yeah I typed the word bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. Ha. It's the one swear my mom says, so that means that I can say it. Take your judgement and eyes elsewhere if it bugs you because that word is the theme of this post. I'm mad and I'm cursing. Deal. Back to the topic at hand. Bitches, can't live with them, can't live without them. Actually since I'm a female and not a horny male I probably could live without them. Seriously. I have never gotten chicks. I've basically always hung out with dudes and Heather my BFF forever, who is about as girly as me. Why you ask would I want to hang out with smelly males all the time? Because dudes while not entirely without their moments are far less bitchy than females. It's true. They have a code, and they usually live by it. I respect that. There is no code for females. It's madness. Hormone driven drama, all the time, and I am done with it. Don't believe me, well then let me present you with some excellent example of why I HATE estrogen havers.
Lets start with the motivation for this blog, and lets start at the beginning. I am single, and fine with it, and not man hunting. Next, my roommate is single, and sort of looking and a huntress to the core. Thirdly I have a friend whom is just a friend and whom my roommate thinks I would be "super cute with" because apparently we have "great chemistry." She is very stuck on this idea despite the fact that I don't like him and he doesn't like me and we are friends and its good. Even if I did like him she would be the last person I would a) tell and b) turn to for advice and help in snaring this man. Anywho she came up with this invite him and his roommates to dinner scheme to try and hook us up. This scheme was put into action before I knew her true intentions and could stop it. That made me mad. Seriously? You aren't and old jewish lady, your name isn't Yente, and therefore you don't get to be the matchmaker, matchmaker who makes me a match. Does she stop there? NO! Every time I say his name she raises her eyebrows and makes some comment like "buddies can only be buddies for so long". Whatever, I can handle that. Sure it's kinda bitchy, but not like girl I will cut you bitchy. Until tonight. Tonight said friend came over because we are planning a trip to California for spring break as we both have peeps at UCLA and love sunshine and driving with two is cheaper. The entire evening she is poking her head in and making comments and raising her eyebrows at us. And then AND THEN she asks me, in front of him if I have a date for a big morority event. Yeah. And dwells on the subject for awhile. In front of him. GAH! Seriously I am ready to bitch slap her back to her hometown. Bitch move. I am literally trembling from rage. Butt the frakk out! It was awkward for him, it was awkward for me and she gloats and feels pleased with her work.
Another bitchy things girls do. They play with males. All the time. I have a rule, I will go on one date with most anyone, I feel like if a man has the balls to ask me out I can say yes to one date. But if I'm not interested I won't go on more. But I know of girls who do this for the free dinner. Bitch move.
Hated female trait three, the fairy tale mindset. I have a friend, who is a little crazy and is dating a really great guy. He listens to her talk, which she can do for hours. But whenever she talks about him she says she doesn't think it will last. Why you, and I, ask? Because he has some things that bug her about him and when she met him she just didn't feel like he was the one. I'm sorry say what? Were you expecting a shower of light and fairy dust with singing angels? You're not perfect either. This guy is great to you, great for you, and not bad looking. But no, without some sort of instantaneous gut swooping head spinning moment he couldn't possibly be the one. Get over yourself and realize a good thing when you have it. Don't count him out because he didn't ride up to you on a white horse.
There are plenty more bitchy things that girls do that include but are not limited to backstabbing, gossiping, boyfriend stealing, back handed complementing and inducing hellish amounts of drama. I am sick of it and I am done. I am seriously thinking of taking over Will Ferrell's job as Bitch Hunter.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I want!

Everybody has wants. Some are grand and life size others are trivial. I am no exception. Since I am no longer 4 however I can't just say I want this and I want that. I no longer have a mommy to whine to about all the trivial things that catch my eye. I'm all growed up. But that doesn't mean I don't want trivial things. As it is no longer socially acceptable to declare my wants to the world at large I have decided to declare them here to the world at small. Read if you want, roll your eyes if you must. So here it is my list of mostly trivial wants.
1. I want to grow the size of my stuffed hippo collection. Right now I have four, but I'd like more.
2. I want to know why stuffed hippopotami are always purple and stuffed elephants are always blue. Seriously, look around if they're not grey they are purple or blue. But hippos are never blue and elephants are never purple. Doesn't make sense.
3. I want a pet cactus. Yes, if I had a cactus it wouldn't be a plant it would be a pet. I want one of the fuzzy looking ones that sometimes gets a red flower on top. I would name it Penelope.
4. I want my life to end up like a John Hughes film and/or a Jane Austen novel. This is the girl part of me coming out and I'm sorry. But if it ends up being like "Pretty in Pink" I am so choosing Duckie because he is super sweet and has always been there and Andrew McCarthy is a jerk and not even that cute. Seriously Molly Ringwald, what were you thinking?
5. I want to watch all the "Scream" movies, but not alone, because I tried that and got ten minutes into the first one before giving up.
6. I want to understand sloths. Think about it, sloths make absolutely no sense. They are slow enough that moss can grow on them, so if anything fast tried to eat them, they'd all be dead. So obviously nothing wants them, and they don't do much but sleep so why do they exist?
7. I want to have enough spare time to go to the movies. Yeah, I don't have spare time. The Broadway, which is a great theater that shows stuff the rest of Utah doesn't is rightish down the street. But I can't go to movies, because I have no time.
8. I want to be able to afford the ingredients and cookware for all the delicious food I want to make. Being a college student sucks
9. I want Mono. Not the actual disease. That sounds gross. I want the adopt a germ stuffed mono. It's purple and has eyelashes and is super cute.
10. I want a roommate that does her dishes. Strike that I want a roommate who does my dishes that she uses.
11. I want a roommate that doesn't try and set me up with people. Focus on your love life dear, I'll figure my own out.
12. I want an old house. They are beautiful.
Well that's all for now. If you got this far, congrats, and thanks for letting me be four again.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Valentine's Day Sux!

To answer your unasked questions...
1) Yes I did just spell sucks with an x. I thought about doing some sort of clever thing where I did suxoxo, but that is just confusing and not that clever so I didn't.
2) No this is not going to be a post about the horrible movie with a star studded cast including Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Jessicas Alba and Beil and Mcdreamy. It is a horrible movie, I just don't feel it deserves it's own blog post.
3)No, this is not going to be another one of those blog posts where a single white girl (me) rants about how horrible it is to be single on Valentines Day and it should be called singles awareness day and all that.
Yeah, I bet you're shocked this isn't some horrible diatribe, but it's true. I actually kind of like the idea Valentines Day. It's cool that people in relationships have a day where they can be super lovey dovey and profess all their undying and mushy love to one another and not feel stupid. I mean of course it's been way over commercialized, but what isn't these days. And if Valentines Day is the only day a year that your significant other is actually nice and shows you love you might want to rethink the life decision that got you to this point. But on a whole, I don't mind the whole thing. So if you have someone in your life go nuts, buy them stuffed animals and flowers and chocolate and go out to dinner and blatantly display your affection publicly. The world is your heart shaped oyster.
The thing I hate about Valentines day is that it gives single people, specifically single females an excuse to wallow in self pity. Ok so this is a blog about the whole "singles awareness day" thing, but not in the way you think. Seriously I hate it when people are all mopey around Valentines day, because their friends have lovers and they do not an why is life so unfair etc. Really? Can you not be so selfish for one minute? Be happy for your friends, and look forward to when you can be so happy. Also the name, single awareness day, is just awful. The only people who are aware of being single is the person actually single, and all the people he/she complains to. And the only person who cares about the singleness is the single person. It's not like all the people who have sweethearts point at laugh at the single folks. Nope. So get over yourself.
This valentines day this single chick is going to go to school and work, eat dinner watch a movie and then congratulate myself on remaining single in Utah for so long and not following my fellow graduating classmates in early marriage, parenthood, financial hardship and potential misery.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Hairs cut

So today I walked into a salon thinking "hey, I'm over do for a hair cut, I'll just get a trim, some layers put in, you know something to spice up the whole straight flat hanging like blah down to my shoulders thing." I walked out of the salon with a chin length choppy bob. Yeah. That's what happens when I walk into a salon. I never really know what I'm doing, I let the hair stylist do whatever they want, and usually leave with a lot less hair then I came in with. And I love it. So many people, especially girls, and mormons are SO concerned with hair. I know girls that would probably rather loose limbs than cut their hair short. I don't get that. It's just hair, it's dead, feels no pain, and will grow back. Try something new, you might like it. But no. Long, straight, sometimes with some sort of side swept bang is all I see for miles and miles. And all my friends say it's because guys like longer hair. Is that really true? Does a guy really see a girl with short hair and think gross, can't go near THAT thing? If so I may have a problem. I just think that hair is one of the only things on your body that you can really go nuts with and not suffer long lasting consequences. I feel this about both guys and girls hair. I have no problem with guys having longer hair. But a lot of people, namely mormons, namely those mormons from Utah County seem to have a thing about boys with long hair. Exhibit A my brother, he used to have hair that was shoulder length, curly and beautiful, before he cut it for job purposes. But every week prior to the great shedding of the locks someone at church would make some comment about how he would look so handsome if he would just cut his hair, or how respectful it was to the lord to have short missionary style hair. Really? I mean really? One, Jesus had long hair. And two, if God is really going to be nit picky about stuff like hair length, well, I'm going to hell. Personally I think God loves all his children and likes them to show their personalities and individuality instead of being mindless drones in black suits and power ties. But I digress, and come near a soap box that is better saved for a later blog. Moral of this rambley story? It's just hair, so go nuts, cut it off, grow it out or die it green. It might surprise you how much you like it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Hungry and Lonely

"If only, if only the woodpecker sighs,
the bark on the tree were as soft as the skies
As the wolf waits below, hungty and lonely,
and cries to the moon if only, if only."
Thank you Louis Sachar, for giving me a favorite poem in a favorite children's book. Seriously I love this poem. I think it is the perfect allegory for life. Especially my life this week. Everyday I get up, go to class, work, study, eat, laugh and smile (sometimes for real, and sometimes not so much) before falling into bed at night feeling worn out and worn thin, ready for a blissful escape from reality. But before slipping off into dream world I find myself thinking "if only, if only." It doesn't change anything, it doesn't mean things will or even can change. I'll still get up in the morning and repeat the whole cycle over again. School is still going to be stressful and confusion. Work is still going to be long and tedious. I'm still going to feel the often oppressive need to please everyone, like everything, do anything anyone needs, and never for a moment show how much I just want to give up sometimes. There are always going to be people who can make me really laugh and days that shouldn't end, and people who make me really want to scream and days that can't end too soon. I think though, that as long as I have those few moments every night where I can cry to the moon, if only, if only, things will be alright in the end.