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This is me, my head and my life. Deal with it.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Laudry List of Qualities

So if you're a girl you'll know about this, if you're a boy you might. Most girls have a list of desirable qualities they want their future love partner to have. You make them bimonthly in Young Woman's. They've made movies about it. It has many different names, but the most common is the check list. I've always thought they were kind of dumb. I mean how many guys are there out there who are well traveled, well read, have a foreign accent, can cook, are hillarious, spontaneous, respectful, never get mad and look like a mix between Brad Pitt and David Beckham? Not too many. I mean have standards and what not, but not falling in love with someone because he doesn't play a musical instrument or speak three different languages is just dumb. None the less I have a few things that any future domestic partner of mine must already do, or be molded to do. (See, I'm willing to train them, not being hypocritical here.)
  1. If they tinkle when the sprinkle they must be neat and wipe the seat. The toilet seat up thing doesn't bug me so much. I'd much rather have that in the middle of the night than to sit down in a pile of urine that is not my own. It's gross, and years of experience with two brothers has not made it better.
  2. In other bathroom related news there will be no leaving empty rolls of toilet paper. Just freaking pull a new one out and set it within reach of the toilet. PLEASE. Also it there are only two squares left and they're all thin and sticking to the roll, replace that too.
  3. No leaving hair of any kind on the wall of the shower. I don't care where it comes from, it freaks me out. It also means I have to spend 5 minutes trying to gather water enough in my hands and wash it down the drain without touching the foreign hair.
  4. And clean out the drain. If I mistake your hair for a dead rodent, we have an issue.
  5. No talking to me while I am using the bathroom. Unless someone is dead, it can wait. And even if someone is dead maybe just tell me to hurry, because who wants to hear death related news on the potty?
  6. Be ok with all my bathroom related oddities.
  7. Don't ask me if I remembered to get milk when a) you never asked me to get milk and b) I TAKE THE FRIGGIN BUS AND YOU HAVE A CAR. Milk is heavy ya ho, so no I didn't get it, haul it to the bus station and then lug it home.
  8. If I'm watching a movie, don't ask me nonrelated, nonessential questions. Also, don't ask me stupid plot related questions. If you shut up and watch the movie you'll find out, and I won't have to tell you/hit you.
  9. My bidness, is my bidness. If I don't elaborate, or I dodge your questions I don't want you to know.
  10. Conversely, your bidness is YOUR bidness. If I didn't ask, you decide to tell me anyway, and I am now answering in one syllable words and grunts and have gone back to surfing the internet or reading it means I'm busy not caring and you should scurry away.
Looking at this list I realize it's not just a guide for future domestic partners or lovers its a list for anyone I live with. And personally I really don't think I'm asking too much here. Am I?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Done-a-saurus Rex!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, readers of ALL ages I would just like to let you know that I am 4 burned DVDs, 2 layers cookie dough brownies, and 1 night of frivolity and merriment away from being free. Free from what? From being and officer in my morority. And I am so frakking happy. I'm not saying I regret joining Upsilon. I don't. I met some great people, and some great times, and was forced to be out of my apartment at least once a week. What I didn't like was being an officer. Not because it was bad, it wasn't, I had some good times at those meetings. I didn't like it because morority became less of an optional, come and have fun if you want to thing, and more of a you're an officer and you must be there always or else thing. And that ain't coo' wit me. Maybe it was growing up in Utah county or maybe it's just my stubborn nature but the minute someone tells me I MUST do something, I don't want to do it. I had the same problem with mutual. As soon as my leaders started to try and make me feel bad about not showing up every week I pretty much stopped going.

The good news is after tonight I'm not an officer anymore. Eventually I will get Shania Twain's "Any Man of Mine" out of my head and the feelings of rebelling against obligation with fade. Then I can go back to enjoying things like exchanges and end of year parties with slideshows because it won't be me who's in charge.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Olfactory Orgasm

Today was a great day for my nose. Seriously, it's like the god of good smells picked my nose to win the lottery. You don't believe me? Well then, let me throw down of list of all the smells I smelled and then I'll let you try and tell me it wasn't a fantastic day to be my nose.
  • This morning I had a physiology test and upon finishing said test I did not smell the horrible reek of failure. You may be saying "but Jessica, isn't it the scent of victory you want?" Nope, I'm not that picky. I didn't fail, life is good.
  • Next I walk into work and there are cinnamon nuts cooking. So despite the fact that I had to work at the candy counter with the incompetent boss in charge again, my nose was still happy.
  • I decided to take my self to a movie today. As I was walking down to the Trax station to get to said movie my nostrils picked up the delightful aroma of fresh mown grass. It's only April, and we're in Utah, but someone was mowing their lawn and I got to sniff it. Bless you kind stranger
  • I went to The Broadway to see "Jane Eyre." Buttered popcorn. Need I say more?
  • Also the The Broadway just smells indie, is that possible? What I'm saying is that even my scent receptors feel hip in that place.
  • On the way home it began to sprinkle, which of course led to everything smelling like it was raining. Funny how that works out. That in combination with the wind gently blowing the smell of blooming daffodils and tulips up my schnoz made my nose smile. Really I think it grew lips and smiled.
And that dear people is why I'm having a olfactory orgasm. Don't be too jealous. Maybe one day it will happen to you. Maybe.