Oooooooh Boy

So sometimes I go out in public, and do things like shop. Granted I usually do these public things with my mom and 16 year old brother. But they're awesome. So its all good. Whenever I go out in public however, I am quickly, and sometimes harshly reminded why it's for the best that I stay inside, alone. For example....

Today while out with my family we entered a weird seasonal game/calendar store. I was looking around, trying to figure out if I should get the sexy fireman calendar or the sexy Chippendales calendar not paying attention my surroundings when I popped my hip and planted my foot. In hindsight I guess I did plant it on a slightly uneven surface, but in the moment I didn't notice. In fact I didn't notice anything for like 5-10 seconds, until the "ground" I was standing on shifted. Because it turns out the "ground" I had been standing on was someones foot. Yes. For 5-10 seconds I had been standing on some guys foot. Totally didn't even realize. But oh it gets better, after the poor teenaged gentlemen I was holding captive by my stance shifted his trapped appendage instead of immediately jumping backwards off the foot I looked down and stared at the foot. For another 2-3 second. Just stared. At the foot. Then I looked up. And the kid was staring at me. And I muttered some probably incoherent apology. But instead of playing it cool, or even blaming drugs I stuttered and blushed and glanced around nervously, and I assume creepily. and then turned around and did this weird shuffle run in the opposite direction. Yup. That is my life.

So. For anyone thinking that they are the most awkward person in the universe, rest assured, you're not. I got the call today to inform me that that award belongs to me.

Apology to a Deer

Last night as I was driving home from a friends I hit a deer with my car. I am uninjured, and my car is miraculously not totaled. I am however filled to the brim with guilt. See I was able to slam on my breaks fast enough that I didn't kill the deer on impact. But I didn't slow the car down enough that no harm was done to the poor deer. Between the shock of hitting an animal with my car and the people honking behind me after I hit said animal I didn't actually get to find out if the deer lived or died slowly alone in the night. I mean it limped away, but it couldn't stand up completely. So yes. I am plagued with guilt over the harm I caused this deer and the uncertainty over it's fate. And the way I'm choosing to deal with it is write a blog apology that the deer will never see. But given that I'm the type of person that uses cups to rescue spiders I find in my house and I spent many minutes of my youth picking up worms from the sidewalk and putting them back on the grass something has to be done. And this is what I'm doing. Deal with it.

Dear deer,
I am so so sorry that I hit you with my car last night. You came out of nowhere, and then you froze, much like your kind does in headlights. I tried to slam on the brakes, but you were too close, and my reflexes too slow. I'm sorry that I caused you pain. I would never intentionally hurt something as graceful and docile as yourself. If you lived I'm sorry for any permanent limp and/or emotional scarring that occurred. And if you didn't make it, you sweet sweet creature, I'm sorry that you died in pain. I'm sorry that if I had to kill you I couldn't just kill you outright. I also apologize to any deer family you might have had. I hope you know that it wasn't your deer relative's fault, and I'm sorry for your loss. Wherever you are deer, whether it be alive and bounding in the foothills of Provo, or frolicking in the great meadow in the sky I hope you are happy. And I hope you know how sorry I am. Because I am really terribly and so so sorry.
My best wishes
Jessica.